You want to be a happy parent—but your countless
responsibilities make this goal challenging! Don’t lose hope
just yet. I have a list of 15 things that keep you from
happy parenting. Read through them. Be honest with yourself.
Then let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy parent for
your child—and yourself!
Here’s a list of 15 things you should give up—and then watch
your happiness take off:
1. Give up “supposed to”
We were conditioned by our own early family experiences to
believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look a
certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are
“supposed” to be, you may miss enjoying how they actually
are. Be willing to question what you prioritize as a parent
and why.
2. Give up keeping score
What does your mental score-card keep track of: which parent
does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom contributes most
in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your
homeschool group?
Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired
and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’
contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
3. Give up force
As a parent, you have a responsibility to set boundaries.
But if a child consistently resists a certain boundary,
don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your
child, “Why?”
Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective
guide, not their dictator. When they experience you as their
guide, they’re more likely to listen, which means less
struggle and frustration for both of you.
4. Give up yelling
If you’re not a yeller, this one isn’t for you. But if you
tend to yell when you’re feeling upset, consider this
question: has yelling strengthened your relationship with
your child—or not?
Yelling usually happens in anger, and it often frightens and
intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s
feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances
when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in
the future.
5. Give up your need to look perfect
Hear me now: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.
Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best
parents are willing to always learn, change, and improve.
6. Give up worry
Compulsive worrying doesn’t make your child any safer. It
doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your children
to live in fear. Release your worries, and cultivate
gratitude for your child’s safety in the present moment.
7. Give up one-size-fits-all rules
Every child is unique. What works for one won’t always work
for another. Certain standard rules apply across the board
(for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But
consider the possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t
mean doing the exact same thing in the exact same way for
every child.
8. Give up the food fight
If you demand a certain number of bites from your children,
you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you set
your children up for struggles with food later in life.
Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your
child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall
patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a
specific meal.
9. Give up your role as events coordinator
If you feel like parenthood is a treadmill you can’t keep up
with, you may be taking too much responsibility for your
children’s time. Make plans that support your children’s
development, but don’t map out every minute for them.
Downtime is supportive for many children. Moments of boredom
allow children to take responsibility for their own time.
Make resources available, and then let your children create
the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
10. Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice
As a parent, you generously give love, time, and attention.
But you shouldn’t give up your core self just because you’re
a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your
children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of
themselves.
11. Give up guilt
Parents sometimes fall into the self-sacrifice trap because
they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if you use
it to recognize where you need to make changes. But
overwhelming, paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless
as a person or parent doesn’t accomplish anything. You are
enough, just as you are.
12. Give up one-sided decisions
As the parent, you often have the final say. But you and
your child will both be happier if it’s not the only say.
When it’s appropriate to do so, involve your child in
decisions that will affect them. By enrolling children in
the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to make
their own good decisions in the future.
13. Give up negative messages
So many messages are repeated to children: you’re too loud,
you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re
exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you
should make more friends, quit moving, speak up, settle
down, smile more.
Try this instead: comment on the exact same behavior in a
positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re
too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
14. Give up your own childhood story
What did you experience that you most want your children to
avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money? Feeling
not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern
to be re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears
of the past. Let them go. Create what you want, not what you
don’t want.
15. Give up on giving up
I’ve heard from parents who worry that they’ve damaged their
child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last a
lifetime. I’ve said this many times:
It’s never too late to be a better, happier parent.
Whether your children are 4 or 40, they respond to genuine
love from their parents. The effects of mistakes may take a
little longer to overcome if your child is older, but it’s
never impossible to show up as the happy, supportive parent
that you are meant to be. Don’t give up! You have everything
you need to be a good parent.
Ok, deep breath. It’s time to let go of whatever keeps you
stuck and let the happiness in!
By Carol Tuttle, author of The Child Whisperer
Carol Tuttle is the CEO of Live Your Truth, LLC and
author of the best-selling parenting book, The Child
Whisperer: the Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy,
Successful, Cooperative Children, which has sold over
75,000 copies worldwide. She also hosts an immensely
popular parenting podcast, that hits weekly on
important parenting issues commonly experienced by
families of all backgrounds. For more information, please
visit, www.thechildwhisperer.com.
